*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
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“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.