*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?
*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*
Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
Sorry, Babe, it’s over.
*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*
*Doctor finishes the exam*
“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”
“I’m so mad I could pun-”
*Doctor looks over his glasses*
My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.
*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.
*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.
ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.
ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-
ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
I saw a woman with the same haircut as me the other day and I wanted to be like “Same haircut!” but I didn’t because no matter what kind of day she’s having she doesn’t need that right now.
ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.
ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?
*She gazes lovingly into my eyes*
HER: What are you thinking about?
ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.