*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*
Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.
Me: (to genie) take his fingers
What a night
And a text? Killing it
ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
*showing mom how to use her phone*
What’s the blue button with the bird?
THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!
*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*
Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*
I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?
*Friend is sinking in quicksand*
Get help before I drown!
*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*
Technically you’re not drow-
*A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*
“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”
*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*