Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
You Might Also Like
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
This one’s “Alex”.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave