Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.