Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have