GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.
GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?
GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.
HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.
ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?
HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.
*First day as an exorcist*
ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…
They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it’s not quite an emergency but you still need to vent.
“Hello, Operator? Yeah, there’s a bird on my car… No, I’m in the house, but I can see him through the window.”
“Pa rump pum pum pum?”
“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”
The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.
I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.
*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*
What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?
LION TAMER: I’m a lion tamer.
LION: For now.
Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.