@thenatewolf

GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.

@thenatewolf

HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.

ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?

HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.

@thenatewolf

*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…

@thenatewolf

They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it’s not quite an emergency but you still need to vent.

“Hello, Operator? Yeah, there’s a bird on my car… No, I’m in the house, but I can see him through the window.”

@thenatewolf

“Pa rump pum pum pum?”

“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”

@thenatewolf

The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.

@thenatewolf

I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.

@thenatewolf

*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*

What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?

@thenatewolf

Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.