I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?