ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
titanic
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.