contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
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“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Natty or not?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
greetings!