Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I love art.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.