I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.