I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Rather alarming headline…
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.