@thepaulasuzanne

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

@thepaulasuzanne

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

@thepaulasuzanne

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

@thepaulasuzanne

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

@thepaulasuzanne

You can’t build a roaring fire out of fish sticks. Well, you can, but you shouldn’t.

@thepaulasuzanne

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

@thepaulasuzanne

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

@thepaulasuzanne

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

@thepaulasuzanne

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.