280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Mhm.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars