[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
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“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit