My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Duck: I mean quack
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]