@thepunningman My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
@thepunningman @thepunningman I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
@thepunningman Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
@thepunningman Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
@thepunningman Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
@thepunningman A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
@thepunningman Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
@thepunningman “So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
@thepunningman Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
@thepunningman Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]