@thepunningman: I haven't been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had "done a number four".

@thepunningman: Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let's talk tactics

@thepunningman: Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We'll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

@thepunningman: Fetty Wap's full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@thepunningman: A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

@thepunningman: Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it's a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you'll notice an insensitive jerk

@thepunningman: "So how are the anger management classes?"
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
"Sounds stupid"
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

@thepunningman: Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don't believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

@thepunningman: Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]