If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned