My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
You Might Also Like
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
PLEASE READ
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.