Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.