Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.