Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
At least he brought enough for everyone
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.