We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.