Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.