“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.