Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.