Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺