H: where did you move after your divorce?
I moved on.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!
<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered
<dog barks at door>
*throws phone in holy water