Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
real
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
You can’t outrun your problems…
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.