Check your privilege
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Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.