Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.