Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.
Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.
Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?
Me:*mouth full* abfter viss
I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.
IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.
*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.