*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
"You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads"
3 eyed grandson "really?"
@theshamingofjay: God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to
@theshamingofjay: Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.
@theshamingofjay: What is everyone writing songs about?
George: true love
Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus
@theshamingofjay: Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that's sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that'll turn you on.
@theshamingofjay: TRUMP: I'm building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I'm going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.
@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it?
Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right?
Me: it's actually Wednesday
Cop: damn it, who's your crush then
@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
@theshamingofjay: Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason.