I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.
*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”
3 eyed grandson “really?”
God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to
Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.
What is everyone writing songs about?
George: true love
Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus
Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.
TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.
Cop: did you do it?
Cop: you know it’s truthful Tuesday right?
Me: it’s actually Wednesday
Cop: damn it, who’s your crush then
You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.