My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood
Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare
*passes cop car with radar gun
*stares in rear view mirror for next 3 days
A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.
Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]
“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”
“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”
Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.
Me: Really? Aren’t you married?
dog lays down on floor
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids
Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Me: *sobs uncontrollably
Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.