@theshamingofjay

My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood

@theshamingofjay

Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare

@theshamingofjay

A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.

@theshamingofjay

Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.

@theshamingofjay

[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”

Yes.

“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”

@theshamingofjay

Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.

Me: Really? Aren’t you married?

@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

@theshamingofjay

Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably

@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.