My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
house sitting!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.