I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
my mom making me talk to relatives
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?