@theshamingofjay

If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

@theshamingofjay

If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell

@theshamingofjay

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I’ve weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

@theshamingofjay

Exclamation point rules

! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats

@theshamingofjay

Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers

Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus

@theshamingofjay

Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?

@theshamingofjay

A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

@theshamingofjay

I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes