To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect