My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Your secret is safeish with me
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.