I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.