I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“TGIM!” – My liver
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.