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Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”