Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.