Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
You Might Also Like
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Bread puns are on the rise!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food