I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You Might Also Like
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Cartman: Respect my
a a
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
This is sending me to another galaxy
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?