@thetigersez

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

@thetigersez

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

@thetigersez

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

@thetigersez

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

@thetigersez

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

@thetigersez

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

@thetigersez

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

@thetigersez

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

@thetigersez

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

@thetigersez

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.