I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.