@thetits: WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
@thetits: FRIEND: OMG I'm so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don't think I'll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it's the best
@thetits: HER: I'd invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
@thetits: Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
@thetits: COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
ME: I like you, I think you're cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
@thetits: BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno "reverse" card*
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
@thetits: PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that's Linda…
@thetits: Guarantees in life:
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it