The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”