nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job