I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?