Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!