@theyearofelan

This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”

@theyearofelan

If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet

@theyearofelan

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?

@theyearofelan

Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

@theyearofelan

Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates

@theyearofelan

Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”

@theyearofelan

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

@theyearofelan

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???