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Page of theyearofelan's best tweets

@theyearofelan : Captain’s Log. My girlfriend has been out of town for one day. The dogs are now in command. I have covered the floor in thin layers of prosciutto at their request. They’ve said I can stay here, for now. I am perched on the counter by the fridge in case they need more cured meats

@theyearofelan: This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of "who ate all the cookies?"

@theyearofelan: If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet

@theyearofelan: Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?

@theyearofelan: Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

@theyearofelan: Don't be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they'll spend more time manually checking your updates

@theyearofelan: Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming "Are you sleeping?!?!"

@theyearofelan: Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

@theyearofelan: Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

@theyearofelan: Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???